Do Relationships Feel Hard For You?

What are attachment wounds, and how do they show up in our adult relaitonships?

Understanding the Accommodating Personality Style

*Why you always feel like you have to be helpful, kind, or 'the strong one'*

 

Some people grow up learning that it’s safest to:

  • Keep the peace
  • Put others first
  • Avoid expressing big feelings
  • Say "yes" when they want to say "no"

This is often called an accommodating or people-pleasing personality style. You may be:

  • Helpful and kind
  • Thoughtful and tuned into others’ needs
  • Great in a crisis
  • Seen as strong, capable, reliable

But on the inside, you might feel:

  • Anxious in groups or around conflict
  • Guilty asking for help or setting boundaries
  • Disconnected from your own needs
  • Tired of always being the one who copes

 Where Does It Come From?

This pattern often starts early in life. For example:

  • You may have grown up in a family where emotions weren’t talked about
  • You learned that being “easy,” quiet, or helpful kept you connected or safe
  • You may have been praised for being mature, calm, or good
  • Maybe there wasn’t much space for your needs

Over time, you might have developed an unconscious belief:

  • “If I don’t make waves, I’ll be loved.”
  • “If I need too much, I’ll be a burden.”
  • “If I speak up, I’ll cause trouble.”

 What’s the Cost?

While this style can protect relationships, it can also leave you:

  • Feeling emotionally drained
  • Bottling things up
  • Unsure of who you are outside of helping others
  • Struggling with boundaries and asking for what you need
  • Feeling ashamed of having needs at all

What Can Help?

Therapy can support you to:

  • Understand where these patterns came from
  • Separate your worth from what you do for others
  • Get comfortable saying “no” without guilt
  • Reconnect with your own needs, voice, and emotions
  • Create space to be cared for, not just the carer

You’re Not Broken — You Adapted

This personality style was a brilliant way to stay safe and connected as a child. Now, as an adult, you get to decide which parts of it still serve you — and which ones you’d like to gently change.

Things to Think About:

What were the unspoken rules about emotions in your family growing up?

How do you feel when someone offers you help?

What would it be like to say no — or to put yourself first, just once?

 

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